When I was a high school, and even a middle school student, there were some teachers that I was more engaged with than other. Why was this the case? Why would I participate in the learning experience with some teachers and not with others? The answer is straightforward, relationships. As I look back at the teachers that I engaged with, relationship was the common denominator. Yes, some teachers were funny, and there were some that I thought were mean, and that did affect my level of engagement in the classroom, but it was a short-lived effect. What created lasting engagement was the relationships that I had with teachers.

Looking at my personal experience as well as research that has been conducted, we know that relationships are vital to the academic and personal success of students.  It is also something that student in Generation Z (Those born after 1995) crave. I completed my dissertation research on how a teacher’s personality affects student engagement, and what I found was interesting (here is a link to my dissertation). I spent weeks interviewing high school students, and I asked them what they viewed as critical in engaging them in the classroom. Although the answers varied from student to student, one common concept that came up was the importance of relationships. There was only one participant that did not identify relationships with teachers as vitally important.

This brings me to the main point of this post. If we know that student-teacher relationships are so crucial to the engagement level of students, why does it not get more attention? Why do we not have professional development centered on how to create relationships? Why have I never been asked about the importance of this in an interview? These questions are essential to consider when trying to create an environment of positive teacher-student relationships. We cannot assume that every teacher inherently knows or possess the skills to build positive relationships with students. I have seen excellent teachers lose their influence because they struggled in building relationships. Teaching and relationship building go hand in hand. Students will not learn from someone they do not trust, and one of the ways we build trust is by building relationships.

So, what are some ways that we can build positive relationships with our students? Here are five practical ideas: 

Take a Personal Interest in the Student

I know this seems small, but small things can go a long way. Find out what makes your students tick. What are their hobbies, what movies are they watching, what tv shows do they enjoy, or what books series are they reading? Find out what their interests are and get to work learning more about it. I am not saying that you have to become an expert but be able to ask them questions about their interest. You will be amazed by how eager they will be to talk to you about their interest.

I remember a student that I had about five years ago. He would come into my room every day after school, and we would talk. At first, I wanted him to leave because I had papers to grade and forms to complete, but I soon realized that he just wanted someone to connect with. I learned that he loved computers. So, I took this as an opportunity to connect with him. I would ask him a simple question, and then he would run with it. Before I knew it, we talked for twenty or thirty minutes, and I usually learned something, but we connected over a topic that I didn’t care about, but he did. I am sure if you tracked this student down and asked him what he remembered about my class it would not be about the Civil War or The American Revolution (I taught U.S. History), he would recall the conversations we had about computers, which always turned into conversations about life.

Get Involved in Extra-Curricular Activities

Our students are amazingly talented. I always love to see students’ artwork; it truly is outstanding. We should want to be involved in their activities outside of the classroom. I am not advocating for every teacher to sponsor a club or coach a team. I know that we have a lot on our plates already but attend a game or concert. It blows my mind how many teachers never come to athletic events, concerts, or plays. The students know when teachers are there and supporting them. This again is a small act that we can utilize that would help build relationships with our students. If we want them to be engaged in our class, then we need to be engaged with what they are doing outside of it. 

Be “Real”

I can think of so many teachers try to pretend to be something that they are not. They try to be a pseudo-intellectual or Mr. Serious all the time. Listen, students see right through this nonsense. They know when we are not authentic. We must be a “real”. If we want to connect with our students, we have to be genuine people. How can we have genuine relationships with our students if we are not genuine? We do not need to let the students into every part of our personal lives, but they need to know that we are real, normal people who love them and want what is best for them. 

When I worked in administration, I told this to every new teacher, be yourself. I would see some who did not heed my advice, and the students responded by not genuinely connecting with the students. However, some teachers took that advice and relationships flourished. What I have discovered is that when students believe that you are real and genuine students and parents are much quicker to forgive the mistakes you will inevitably make and be real with you. This is some of the most important advice that I can give you; if you are “real” then you will build real relationships. Our students are offered counterfeits every day in our culture, let’s make sure they see at least one genuine thing every day, us. 

Ask Questions

I think that sometimes as teachers, we can be control freaks, I know I am. But sometimes we fear involving the students in the educational process out of fear that we could lose control (I am raising my hand). This has resulted in what is sometimes referred to as the Sit-n-Get Method(Barth, 2001). The students sit at their desk, and they get the information that we give them. This method is not always ideal for genuine learning; involve the students in the learning. One of the best ways to include the students in the learning process is by asking them questions, not just black and white questions, but questions that we want the answers to and that cause them to think critically. 

The basis of any relationship is communication. If I want to have a great relationship with my wife, we have to communicate. When my wife and I have had disagreements, or I have hurt her undoubtedly the root issue was a lack of communication. Our relationships with our students are no different. We have to communicate with our student, and it cannot just be us doing the talking. Ask them questions. Get their perspective on things, because their generation has different perspectives than many of us. If we build in time in our instruction for student questions and discussion, we might learn something.

Love Your Students

One of the most important and transformative things that you can do for your students is to love them. We need to be vocal about our love. Hearing that we are loved is often something that we take for granted, at least I do. The reality is that many of our students may not hear those simple words enough. Some may never hear those words if we do not say them. We need to be vocal in expressing our love to our students. Saying to your class as they depart for the day that you love them can mean the world to a student who may be going home to a situation where they don’t hear it. 

In addition to telling students that we love them, we need to show them that we love them. Words are important, but when those words are not backed up with actions than they are meaningless. I can tell my wife that I love her, but if I do not take action to show her my love, then my words are just words. We need to be there for our students academically and personally. For us to display love to our students, it may require sacrifice on our part. Sacrifice is the essence of love. For me to love my family, I have to sacrifice my needs to ensure that theirs can be met. Our students are no different. We may have to stay after school to tutor or talk to a student who is struggling with parents who are separating. We need to be ready to make the necessary sacrifices to ensure that we demonstrate love to our students. 

I understand that you may have read these and thought, “That’s it?” Yes, that is it. I believe that we often make things more complicated than they have to be. Genuine relationships are not built on grand gestures; they are built on small everyday acts that make a massive difference in the lives of someone else. This is true of our students. If we want to build genuine relationships with our students, then we must start by doing the little things.